I’m married.
And I love my husband.
We have a good life.
A stable life.
The kind people would look at and say, “You’re lucky.”
So I don’t understand why this keeps happening.
Every few weeks… sometimes more…
I dream about my ex.
Not just quick flashes.
Not just random memories.
Full, vivid dreams.
We’re talking.
Laughing.
Sometimes just sitting together like no time has passed.
And when I wake up…
it lingers.
That feeling.
Like I just lost him all over again.
I try to shake it off.
Get ready for the day.
Be present.
Be grateful.
But then, out of nowhere…
he crosses my mind again.
I wonder how he’s doing.
If he’s happy.
If he ever thinks about me.
And then the question comes…
the one I try not to sit with too long:
What if things had turned out differently?
I hate that question.
Because I chose my husband.
I built a life with him.
And I don’t regret that.
But this feeling…
it doesn’t feel like regret exactly.
It feels like something unfinished.
Like a chapter that ended…
but never really closed.
Sometimes I catch myself comparing.
Not intentionally.
But quietly.
The way my ex used to look at me.
The way we used to talk.
The intensity.
And then I feel guilty.
Because my husband is kind.
Steady.
Safe.
He loves me in a way that’s consistent.
Reliable.
But sometimes…
I miss the feeling I had back then.
Not the chaos.
Not the reasons it ended.
Just the feeling.
And that’s the part that confuses me.
Because I don’t want to go back.
Not really.
But I can’t seem to let it go either.
So I sit with it.
Quietly.
I don’t tell anyone.
I don’t act on it.
I just carry it.
And every time it comes back…
I ask myself the same thing:
Is this about him?
Or is it about something inside me…
that I haven’t figured out yet?
Because maybe…
it’s not about choosing between the past and the present.
Maybe it’s about understanding why the past still has a hold on me…
even when I’ve already moved forward.
And maybe…
that’s the part I need to face.
